Dec-ehh-mber

I think I am kind of tired of December. I mean, it's my birthday month and of course there's Christmas, but otherwise I'm not a fan. Mostly it's financial reasons--something always seems to go awry during this time of year. For example, two out of the eight Christmases we've shared as a family were peppered with unexpected layoffs. We've had two major repairs to the heaters at our duplex in the last two months. We have renters that sign contracts in the late Fall, so when they move on, we are left to get new renters at the end of the year. If we are unsuccessful and the duplex stays empty, January 1st demands another mortgage payment whether we have the rent income or not. The hospital tends to have fewer patients during this time for some reason, so I get called off at work a lot more too. I love being home instead of working, but then those paychecks come in and it's just not pretty.

All the while, the world around us is in a fever-pitch of rampant commercialism known as the holiday shopping season. Against my better judgment, I went to Toys-R-Us yesterday to see about some presents for my kids and was quickly overwhelmed by the whole scene. I'm glad I was by myself because I don't think the boys could have handled it. As it was, I had to find a quiet corner just to regroup and take stock of my choices. The one thing that Jackson has consistently asked for this year is a Buzz Lightyear watch. I already found one on eBay, and it--along with a comparable Woody watch for Coop--is hiding in my closet waiting to be wrapped. I've been excited to give it to him because I like getting him things that he asks for. But yesterday, as I was looking at other Toy Story stuff to go with an emerging theme, I saw a way cooler Toy Story watch (in it's own collector's tin even), and I got to feeling inadequate about the watch I'd already bought. I had to talk myself down about it right there in the store. "He's four; he's gonna tear up or lose most anything you get him right now." "He doesn't know about this better watch and therefore won't miss it." "There's no way you can send back the watch you already have, so it'd be silly to buy another one." I prevailed and left the watch for some other parent to buy, but the worry about whether he'll like the one I got him enough remained. It's not like I want a child who requires only the biggest and the best and more of them, but it's hard to separate my good intentions from years of effective advertising and a deeply rooted love of stuff. Remembering the orphans helps; I hope I can keep all this in perspective for their sakes and for my own children's sakes.

Finally, there's the weather. I need sunlight. NEED it. And in December, I only see it for total of about 3.76 hours. That's not even remotely enough. Besides, the sunny days seem to be the most frigid, so I can't really even enjoy them when they're here.

♦